I drink a lot of water.   It’s my favorite beverage other than scotch and a lot more acceptable to down while at the office.  It’s good for your skin and also the rest of you.  The only problem with drinking a lot of water is you have to pee all the time.  In general, I’m not big on bodily functions.  While it’s obviously a byproduct of being human, the call to nature can be a major pain in the ass.  Especially for a woman.  Especially when there’s not a bathroom around.

Because of this, I have penis envy.

As a woman, I have to drop trou whereas a guy can just open his fly.   This might not seem like a big deal in the spring or summer, but in the dead of winter, it’s a real bonus.     A guy can whip it out and take a leak anywhere at any time.  Camping?   Turn your back to the trail.   Road trip?  Get out of the car and stand by the side of the highway.    Drunken night on the town?  Take a quick trip into the alley.  Convenient.   And you never need to find a substitute for toilet paper.  I’ve used newspapers, magazines, and even a seat cover.  None of these feel particularly good and there’s always the danger of a paper cut.

What makes matters worse is that I’ve actually experienced what it feels like to piss like a man.  Kind of.  Twice.  I’ve held each husband’s dick while he has peed.  It’s an interesting experience.  First of all, the dick is limp, which doesn’t usually happen when I’m around.  And then you have to work on your aim.  As this was a one time deal, Cheerios in the toilet weren’t an option.

But my envy stops there.  As much as I like having one in me, the penis is not really an attractive appendage.  It just hangs between a man’s legs, flopping against the thighs.   It always needs to be adjusted and scratched.  I prefer my package to be neat and tidy.  Compact.   I guess it’s true, the grass is always greener; unless you’re peeing on it.

Moral of the story, we all have to sit sometimes.